Reflections
Sigh.
Its near the end of June and I realised I've barely done 50% of what I had wanted to do during the short holiday. My figurines remain largely unpainted. My books unmarked. I did not go party as often as I wanted (only once). Weights training was curtailed by a combination of procrastination and diarrhea. Swimming sidelined due to weather. Tennis due to a lack of courts and sometimes, opponents.
However, I did get a lot of time to myself. I got to look at my choices and decided that I would stick with my decision to do law next year after all. I do not know whether I am ready for it. I do know that I do not have all the resources to carry through the entire degree program without borrowing from relatives and friends, and maybe even the bank. I know that it is going to be a long, hard and difficult road, and there may not be light at the end of the tunnel. And I do not know if, after 4 years of studying and hard work, would it really be a road I eventually choose to walk.
However, the most important thing I do know is that I would have regrets if I fail to take advantage of this opportunity now. I do not want to let the years slip me by, only to look back 10 years from now and sigh.
I guess the difference in failing, for me at least, is in the trying. If you do not try and fail, you feel good, because you can always justify your failure, saying that you failed only due to a lack of effort, and not due to a lack of ability. However, if you tried hard, worked hard and fail, it would be due to a lack of ability and talent on your part. You. No one else would be there to shoulder that responsibility for you. And that, sucks, big-time.
I would choose the second path though. Not always, but I'll try. This is not beause I like feeling bad, or that I like proving that I lack the talent or ability to succeed, but because this is what growing up is about. This is what life is about: Responsibility, and Character.
The responsibility to shoulder personal failures. The character to persevere and strive in the face of daunting odds. Life is not always measured in terms of pass/fail, but what you have gained through the process, of the journey inward, of what you have discovered about your limits, and the personal shortcomings that stopped you short. I think that only by knowing yourself better can you work hard at progressing and becoming a better person.
That is why I can hardly ever become angry at my kids. Not because I have the temper of a saint, but because they are in the process of growing up, and they should be given an opportunity to grow up. To discover their personal limits, and to stretch their own abilities to the fullest, limited though it might be. They must be given a chance to learn how the world works, and also learn how to wear the mantle of responsibility. Shouldering it, if they are to grow up and become adults. I might rave and rant, growl and shout, but anger can easily be feigned. Lion cubs should learn their limits before they roar after all. The world is not a kind and forgiving place. Not cruel though it may seem at times, but it is what it is and lion cubs should learn their place in it, master their skills, and develop their abilities before they strive for the sky.
I am not angry when my kids do something stupid and screw up. What I do get angry at is their persistence in their stupidity when they refuse to correct their mistakes, or fail to take responsibility for their own actions/mistakes. What pisses me off is that they refuse to work and then blame their failures on others. What disappoints me most is the lack of effort to even try.
This is likely my last, next to last year here. I know where I am to go on from here. My sole worry is, do my kids?
Its near the end of June and I realised I've barely done 50% of what I had wanted to do during the short holiday. My figurines remain largely unpainted. My books unmarked. I did not go party as often as I wanted (only once). Weights training was curtailed by a combination of procrastination and diarrhea. Swimming sidelined due to weather. Tennis due to a lack of courts and sometimes, opponents.
However, I did get a lot of time to myself. I got to look at my choices and decided that I would stick with my decision to do law next year after all. I do not know whether I am ready for it. I do know that I do not have all the resources to carry through the entire degree program without borrowing from relatives and friends, and maybe even the bank. I know that it is going to be a long, hard and difficult road, and there may not be light at the end of the tunnel. And I do not know if, after 4 years of studying and hard work, would it really be a road I eventually choose to walk.
However, the most important thing I do know is that I would have regrets if I fail to take advantage of this opportunity now. I do not want to let the years slip me by, only to look back 10 years from now and sigh.
I guess the difference in failing, for me at least, is in the trying. If you do not try and fail, you feel good, because you can always justify your failure, saying that you failed only due to a lack of effort, and not due to a lack of ability. However, if you tried hard, worked hard and fail, it would be due to a lack of ability and talent on your part. You. No one else would be there to shoulder that responsibility for you. And that, sucks, big-time.
I would choose the second path though. Not always, but I'll try. This is not beause I like feeling bad, or that I like proving that I lack the talent or ability to succeed, but because this is what growing up is about. This is what life is about: Responsibility, and Character.
The responsibility to shoulder personal failures. The character to persevere and strive in the face of daunting odds. Life is not always measured in terms of pass/fail, but what you have gained through the process, of the journey inward, of what you have discovered about your limits, and the personal shortcomings that stopped you short. I think that only by knowing yourself better can you work hard at progressing and becoming a better person.
That is why I can hardly ever become angry at my kids. Not because I have the temper of a saint, but because they are in the process of growing up, and they should be given an opportunity to grow up. To discover their personal limits, and to stretch their own abilities to the fullest, limited though it might be. They must be given a chance to learn how the world works, and also learn how to wear the mantle of responsibility. Shouldering it, if they are to grow up and become adults. I might rave and rant, growl and shout, but anger can easily be feigned. Lion cubs should learn their limits before they roar after all. The world is not a kind and forgiving place. Not cruel though it may seem at times, but it is what it is and lion cubs should learn their place in it, master their skills, and develop their abilities before they strive for the sky.
I am not angry when my kids do something stupid and screw up. What I do get angry at is their persistence in their stupidity when they refuse to correct their mistakes, or fail to take responsibility for their own actions/mistakes. What pisses me off is that they refuse to work and then blame their failures on others. What disappoints me most is the lack of effort to even try.
This is likely my last, next to last year here. I know where I am to go on from here. My sole worry is, do my kids?
posted by Faith, Hope, and Karitas... at 1:23 am
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